The End of my Breastfeeding Journey

On Saturday night, I gave you a bath and read you a bed time story just as I always have. We read “Animal Sounds” and like always, you laughed after I made the sound of each animal. You even tried to mimic my “Moo, moo, moo” sound and looked back at me with a smile of admiration. I could see it in your eyes, that you were awestruck with me as I was with you. My heart was so full! It’s these moments that make all of those hard MOM-meant worth it!

I held you close and as you latched gently on to my breast, I brushed your hair to the side. I ran my finger down your forehead to the tip of your nose as your eyes slowly grew heavier and heavier. Your precious little hand reached for my breast as you pulled it closer to eat. You held on to Mama tight with a gentle squeeze. Then you slowly raised your hand up, bringing your finger to my mouth like you always do. You were so dedicated to stick your little finger in my mouth to pry it open. I watched as you smiled thinking this was some sort of game and you were winning. As always, I responded by kissing your hand and pretending to nibble on your fingers. You smiled and giggled while still having my breast in your mouth. It was our special thing. You wrapped your beautiful little hand around my finger and held on tight as you slowly fell asleep breastfeeding in my arms. I took in the smell of your juniper shampoo and the sounds of the soothing ocean waves from your sound machine. I followed the gentle sways of the rocking chair that drifted you into a deep sleep. When you finally fell asleep, I sat there for just a little bit longer, soaking in this bittersweet ending. You didn’t know it yet, but this would be the last time I nurse you before bed.

I made sure to leave my phone out of the room because I wanted this session to be one that I was completely present for. You deserved 110% of my attention and I needed this closing chapter of our journey together to be memorable and beautiful. I knew that our morning photo shoot of your LAST feed would be distracting.

We’ve been naturally cutting out feeding sessions and my supply was getting so low. I was waiting for a point in your development where you gained a little more independence and got more distracted during feeding sessions. You got to the point where instead of wanting boob before bed, you would grab a book and give me lots of hugs. I took this as you telling me, “Mama, when you’re ready, I’m ready”. Even though I was slowly preparing myself for this moment, it didn’t make it any easier.

Our journey started 13 months ago. On Wednesday, May 6, 2020 at 5:04pm, you entered this world and God decided we would be blessed to have you as our little bundle of joy. You were a determined and hungry little human! From the very first moment of birth, you wasted no time. You made your way to my breast all on your own and enjoyed this endless buffet.

This journey was not always easy, but I made sure to be present and soak in the memories. Sure, there were moments that I was scrolling through my Instagram feed or buying you things on Amazon. But I am very thankful that I made so many precious memories with you as you nursed.

I remember reading, “I Love You Forever” for the first time 3 days postpartum. You had been crying for hours and it was about 4:30am. I grabbed the book, began nursing you, and started to read…. I STARTED to read. I couldn’t finish the book because it brought me to a waterfall of tears and got me all in my feelings. Instead of finishing the book, I held you close and watched as you slowly fell asleep.

Was my journey always a breeze….NO. I had mastitis not once, but several times. I was juggling not having a large supply to all of a sudden having so much of a supply that I would donate milk to other families. I laugh every time I think of your dad going in the freezer to grab a Digorno’s Stuffed Crust Pizza only to see the endless supply of frozen milk bags. It didn’t take long for us to get our own milk freezer! This freezer was absolutely perfect. It was big enough to store my milk stash and leave our kitchen freezer open for our frozen pizza and ice cream. We called this freezer, Serena’s Titty Taphouse!

Through this breastfeeding journey, you and I became connected to one another. You saw me as this warm loving life source, and I just yearned for the feeling of being needed. Motherhood threw so many questions of uncertainty at me where I felt inadequate or compared myself to other moms. However, I felt the most confident and secure of our bond during our connection time.

When my reminiscing was over, I carried you to your crib ever so gently and laid you down. I could feel my eyes getting heavy with tears and my heart filled with bittersweet emotions as I watched these moments and memories pass by like a merry go round in my mind. I prayed over you, tucked you in, and kissed you goodnight, just as I always do. As I closed the door, I knew I was closing the door to one chapter of our long journey together.

I walked into the room and cried. I immediately began thinking, “Now what!”

What am I going to do in the morning when you wake up?

What will I do to calm you down when you’re crying?

Will this deter our bond that I worked so hard for 13 months to build?

I was like a superhero losing my powers! The answers to all of your problems was “BOOB”. It was as if there was a heroic song playing, and you could hear, “Boobie, to the rescue!”

I realized that, I could do this.

This may be the end of a milestone, but it’s the beginning of a whole new relationship with a strong foundation of memories from our breastfeeding journey.

The crashing waves in my mind were slowly subsiding into gentle ocean sounds, bringing me back to the sound of Hudson’s soothing sound machine. Taking me back into the beautiful moment of our last session together. All I could do was be thankful.

Thank you my son, for these wonderful memories.

Thank you for making me feel needed.

Thank you for making me your Mama.