You Are Becoming A Big Brother: A Letter To My Son

Hey Mamas, I wanted to share something special with you. I am 36 weeks 4 days with twins on the way and these pregnancy hormones have me feeling some type of way! As I end this pregnancy journey to begin a new journey of navigating life with twins, I’m also acknowledging that I am still continuing and combining my journey of being a toddler mom. My son is going to be a big brother soon and this comes with lots of adjusting for HIM.

I realize that I’m not alone and I’m positive other mamas are trying to navigate and understand these feelings. I first asked myself, “what do I do with them” and thought “my son doesn’t understand”. How could I make my son understand? Truth is, at this point in his life he won’t understand because he is to young.

I wrote this letter in hopes to bring me some comfort during this time, but more importantly I hope it encourages other mamas to do the same. Your thoughts and feeling matter Mama. Don’t bottle them up!

I have been a blubbering mess because so much in our house is about to change and it is so bittersweet. God is multiplying the size of my heart to make room for more. I guess I didn’t realize how big the jump is from adding one baby as opposed to two babies at the same time would feel. I can’t help but think about how this is going to impact my son’s life.

Everything will change – our family dynamic, our schedule and routine, and our Mommy & Me time. These past couple weeks I have been truly cherishing our one on one time together and there were some things on my heart that I felt was necessary to share with other mamas that may be going through the motions as well.

Here it is, my heart open for the world to see.

A Letter to My Son Before He Becomes a BIG BROTHER.

You came in to the world on May 6, 2020 and changed my entire world. I had no idea I could love something so much and you gave me so much purpose. 

I carried you in my womb, gave birth in the peak of a pandemic, and breastfed you for 13 months. Since birth, our bond was indescribable and has always left me speechless. I still remember those moments of holding you close and smelling your hair for that irresistible baby smell of your juniper shampoo. I hold on to those memories and revisit them frequently in my mind.

So much has changed since then. You are no longer an infant. You look more and more like your Daddy every day and it astonishes me. Now, we’re chasing you around the house trying to get you to sit on the potty and watching you so you don’t swan dive off the couch on to the hardwood floor. You are constantly amazing us with your intelligent vocabulary and always asking us “what’s this?” so you can soak up all the information the world has to offer as you learn to navigate it. 

We have some big changes coming our way in the Kerbs Household and there are some things I want you to always remember. 

I know you see a lot of changes happening, but my love for you remains. 

Over the past couple of months, you’ve seen Dad’s office change into a nursery with new books and baby toys. Sometimes you think they are for you, and I let you play with them for a little until you realize you’re a big boy now and want to play with your cars or read your own books. 

You’re slowly catching on to the fact that Dad is taking over bedtime and you sometimes resist by saying, “I want to snuggle Mama”

Although you love your Dad incredibly, you are desperately hanging on to those moment with Mama because well, I’m Your Mama and maybe you know that soon we will have TWO new babies in the mix and our “Mommy and Me” time will be changing. 

God has blessed our family with TWO rainbows. 

When I first found out I was pregnant with twins, you were the first thing that came to my mind. “Will I be able to love two more babies as much as I love Hudson? How do I balance or share the amount of love?” From the minute I saw your first ultrasound, you captivated my heart in an unimaginable way. 

I know that I will love all three of you equally and enormously but that took me a while to navigate as I was pregnant with your siblings. I want to be as great of a mother to them as I was to you, while still dedicating my attention and affection to you as you continue to grow. I never want to let you down or hurt you because being your mom and hearing you say, “Mom, you’re the best” is life’s greatest prize!

Mama is feeling scared, nervous, and a little bit of Mom-Guilt

One of the messages I share with women is to not aim for perfection as a mama, but be their own kind of mama. This all started because when you were a newborn I was consumed by anxiety trying to be this perfect mom and I lost myself. 

I’m scared that I will not be able to balance our playtime with keeping up with twins. I’m scared that while I succeed with one sibling, will I be failing another. I’m scared to be a rockstar mom to all three of you but neglect the needs of my own mental health or feel isolated from my friends. 

You’ve been spending having so many play dates and sleepovers with your Aunties, Uncles, Grandmas, and Grandpas. This pregnancy has truly made me cherish our big helpful family and it’s true when they say, “It takes a village!” Daddy and I have had so many appointments for twins and just this week alone we had two pre-term labor scares. Your Dad and I are so thankful that we have so much family to help us with giving you the best care while we tend to the needs of the twin pregnancy, but don’t think for a second that I’m not thinking of you. I wish you could be with us at all times!

I can’t help but feel guilty for the time I’m missing with you. I wonder sometimes if your heart feels sad or if I’m hindering your emotional development because you aren’t always with us. Thankfully, every time you go you always leave and come back home with the biggest smile showing me that you truly have no idea what’s really going. You just think, “How lucky am I to get to spend time with Grandpa and Grandma”. Plus, I know they spoil you to pieces by giving you ice cream too late and stay up past bed time.

You are going to be the best big brother of the “Kerbs Big 3”. 

As you move into this role, I know it will take some adjusting. There’s going to be a lot of tears and not every moment is going to be pleasant, but I promise the future holds so many “Golden Moments” for you. You will teach your siblings things that I can’t. You will make them smile and help their imagination and creative soar! As you share your toys, you’ll also be sharing your heart. Building a bond with them that will go on beyond my time here on Earth. You’ll become a great leader through this experience, shepherding your siblings with guidance and wisdom as you all get older. Know that I will always ALWAYS be proud of you Hudson. You are and will always be our #1. 

Because of you, you made me a better mama and I’m forever blessed to have you.

Love always,

Your Mama